Someone should put a stop to The Beauticians before they get too far. On their latest release, Cosmopology, The Beauticians have impossibly gotten more infectious, sugary and vacuous; just like their namesakes. Is this what Canadian independent rock has degenerated into? The Beauticians’ sound could best be summed up as a crossbreed of The B-52s and the Partridge Family; that is to say that they are a retro band with an affinity for poppy harmonies and melodies so up beat you’d swear they’ve been medicated. Not sick yet? Then I’ll continue. Honestly, in the strictest sense there isn’t anything wrong with this record but The Beauticians are most definitely a take-them-or-leave-them band. Those that find unadulterated sonic sunshine without a hint of dystopia lurking beneath the surface will love this record. In Cosmopology, The Beauticians have created a record that is very reminiscent of ‘50s and ‘60s pop in that the “I’m okay, you’re okay� sentiments expressed in “Inspiration� and “Tour Director� seem genuine. Even the pseudo-sexual lyrics like “Is it infidelity/I don’t even know your name� (from “June’s Strip Poker Site�) have the innocence and sing-a-long quality of the best Sharon, Lois, and Bram records. The fact that these songs are so innocent may very well be The Beauticians’ secret weapon. Unlike the Butthole Surfers or even the Beatles’ late work, which could sound insanely happy, it still sounded insane or drugged. When vocalist Beez sings lines like “You’ll know it’s time to leave…wouldn’t it be nice to leave it all behind?� (from “Leaving The City�) it’s apparent that he isn’t talking about shuffling off his mortal coil but simply leaving town. Like Shonen Knife’s lyrics, there is nothing to read into on Cosmopology; it is all there right in front of the listener. Likewise, the accompanying music on Cosmopology is straightforward. That is not to say that it’s simple however. There are elements of Spanish flamenco in the guitars and the violin work recalls that of Dexy’s Midnight Runners insofar as most of the time it compliments the melodies and only occasionally carries them (especially on “Mrs. Primrose�). Where The Beauticians fall short is ostensibly on this front: it may be too accomplished. Unlike Beat Happening or The Vaselines who sounded childlike because the limitations of the musicians in those bands necessitated it, it’s apparent that The Beauticians can actually play and are merely dumbing themselves down. That condescension, whether intended or not, comes through loud and clear. Again, like Sharon, Lois and Bram, The Beauticians act as though they are talking to children and that pretense alone makes Cosmopology a maddening listen.

By Bill Adams
Mar 13, 2004